“If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t lift to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.” – Kent Nerburn
It is possible to have an epiphany while watching daytime television. I had one this morning. Stephen Fry was being interviewed about a program he has made about the music of Wager. He said that when he hears Wagner, he has a physical reaction, much like the one you get when you are at the dentist and they hit a nerve and your whole body gets a jolt. My first thought: I don’t feel that way about anything. My epiphany: maybe it’s reversable.
I need to say that I am not a cold fish; I do feel things very strongly. The physical feelings of fear and passion, however, are very similar. This morning I wondered if there have been times when I have mistaken one for the other. To allow something external to have the effect of a jolt of energy internally is a very brave act. To go with that feeling right to the end without running away from it or dismissing it as fear is downright audacious.
I have memories of being too much for people. I’ve been too smart, too fat, too messy, too loud, too old, too lots of things. We have all had to quiet down, dim down, dumb down, slim down, or tone it down. To stop being too much we needed to stop giving in to the bigger, brighter, bolder impulses. Passion and excitement began to make us nervous, and perhaps it was there that the feelings got muddled.
Nerves or excitement? Fear or passion? Jolts of energy. Un-swallowed tears. It’s time to remember. It’s time to let go. I want a good old big fat lump in my throat and I want me some healthy goosebumps. Passion, you are officially invited back in to my life.
(Good news: I got a healthy shiver down my spine just typing this! RRrrooooaaaRRrrr.)