“If we don’t offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder. Our eyes don’t lift to the horizon; our ears don’t hear the sounds around us. The edge is off our experience, and we pass our days in a routine that is both comfortable and limiting. We wake up one day and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.” – Kent Nerburn

It is possible to have an epiphany while watching daytime television. I had one this morning.  Stephen Fry was being interviewed about a program he has made about the music of Wager.  He said that when he hears Wagner, he has a physical reaction, much like the one you get when you are at the dentist and they hit a nerve and your whole body gets a jolt.  My first thought:  I don’t feel that way about anything.  My epiphany: maybe it’s reversable.

I need to say that I am not a cold fish; I do feel things very strongly.  The physical feelings of fear and passion, however, are very similar.  This morning I wondered if there have been times when I have mistaken one for the other.  To allow something external to have the effect of a jolt of energy internally is a very brave act.  To go with that feeling right to the end without running away from it or dismissing it as fear is downright audacious.

I have memories of being too much for people. I’ve been too smart, too fat, too messy, too loud, too old, too lots of things.  We have all had to quiet down, dim down, dumb down, slim down, or tone it down.  To stop being too much we needed to stop giving in to the bigger, brighter, bolder impulses. Passion and excitement began to make us nervous, and perhaps it was there that the feelings got muddled.

Nerves or excitement? Fear or passion? Jolts of energy. Un-swallowed tears. It’s time to remember.  It’s time to let go.  I want a good old big fat lump in my throat and I want me some healthy goosebumps.  Passion, you are officially invited back in to my life.

(Good news: I got a healthy shiver down my spine just typing this! RRrrooooaaaRRrrr.)

xo

“I can do anything good!” – Jessica

“But even then she doesn’t confront the changes she needs to make.  So she walks in her sleep again…” – Sue Monk Kidd

Well folks, a few weeks ago I moved from the closer-to-zero side of thirty-five to the closer-to-seventy side.  It was a big day, but I think I am okay with it.

Up until thirty-five-and-a-half, I was full of “this time…” and “from now on…” I have been micro-movementing and nurturing and honouring and resonating, and quite frankly it hasn’t worked for me.  I am just not that person. Instead of becoming more myself with each micro-movement, I became numb and fat and lost and a bit beige.

I have a new plan. I have a new attitude, and as soon as I can get my husband to help me make a button, I will have a new point to this website.

You see, I was going about things all wrong: I was thinking too small and too big at the same time. I was trying to create wings by looking at all of the things that were wrong with me and sorting them out, but wrong is boring. When I wasn’t thinking small trying to figure out wrong, I was talking about how things were going to be different from now on. And how impossible is that? Leave it to me to go from looking at my navel to leaping towards the horizon with no stops in between.  No wonder I fall back to whining over my boring old belly button so often.

So I am starting fresh: one day, one experience, one post at a time.  No more looking down or looking up, I am going to have a crack at looking straight ahead for awhile and see how that goes.

“there is no place so awake and alive as the edge of becoming.” – Sue Monk Kidd