“If anything at all were possible, how would you live your life?” – Christiane Northrup

I remember going to visit one of my Uncles when I was about 12.  He had the most amazing music collection.  To me all of those albums felt like magic. I can trace the growth of my CD/ download collection back to the moment I stood in his living room and realized that I wanted a cool music collection too.  Can jealousy help us become who we are?

I started working at a summer camp when I was 16.  One of the older counsellors was so cool.  She wore converse shoes with huge socks (hey, it was the early 90s!) and the coolest clothing I had ever seen.  I bought converse shoes on my first break, and wore them with huge socks.  A year later I arrived at camp with a wardrobe and good friends of my own and watched as the younger staff copied the fashion of the older generation.  Was it really about shoes?

In January 2006 I saw the adventure that some of my favorite bloggers had when they met in person.  A week after they met, Swirly wrote a post that galvanized me to start my own blog.  In the years since, I have made some incredible friends – and yes – I have even met some in person!  It was jealousy that cracked me open enough to be brave.

The thing I am learning on my journey to create my wings is that every emotion is actually a message.  Jealousy is nothing more than realizing that there is something that you want for yourself.  I know it wasn’t about music or shoes or being friends with those specific women.  Jealousy was me wanting to be more than I was. I wanted to be cool, to be accepted, to have my own tribe of women to meet.  By listening to jealousy’s whispers, I have made decisions and choices that have made me who I am.

Now I think it is exciting when I get jealous!  Jealousy does not take away from how happy I am for other people when they do well -  I think it actually makes me a better friend – I can be thrilled for them knowing that there is enough for me too!

Doing some blog surfing today I felt awe and jealousy when I saw Jaime’s photographs, Jenn’s book deal, Kelly Rae’s success, and Danielle’s general blazing-ness.  I want to celebrate their achievements and share the inspiration.  Separately from that, I know that I want some of that beauty, honesty, and success for myself.  Luckily I also know that there is plenty of that to go around if I work hard enough.

Roar.

What is jealousy telling you today?

“let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.” – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

My thoughts are deep and thick today. I woke from a dream of very old friends to find that they all remained in bed with me for a long time. I dreamed of one summer when I was a part of a strange group of friends who spent every waking minute together. It was a summer where I loved a boy, but we were never alone together because we were always with everyone else. When I woke up, a dozen other summers crawled into bed with us. Summers of laughter and drama and sunshine and families and friends. One dear friend who we have since lost curled up beside me and whispered in my ear, reminding me of the times we laughed so hard we had to hold onto each other for support. Another boy I once loved laughed and said he sometimes remembered me too and how was I? I never did get back to sleep. I lay there in the dark between remembered laughter and tears for a long time.

If I know anything for sure it’s that life is precious, but I forget it sometimes. What part of my life right now will I remember with fondness in years to come? Who who is part of me now will only be a memory as I lie in the dark on a winter’s morning? At the time, I would never have believed that those people who were as necessary to me as breathing would not be in my life anymore ten years, twenty years later. But here I am.

Now that I am awake and alone again, I am thinking of Oriah’s quote: “Let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.” It comforts me to know that they are still there; that they will come and crawl into bed with me once in a while. Missing someone means that you really did love them. Perhaps some of them miss me too.

“People come and go in your life, but they never leave your dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal.” – Patricia Hampl

I’m sorry for being absent for so long! My precious iBook died and other things in life have also gone slightly off kilter at the same time. But things are looking up now and I’m making you a present to make up for neglecting you. I’ll be back soon!

xo